Teenage Sexuality and Pornography

The following was e-mailed to BJ from a Christian teen BJ met while speaking at a Christian youth camp.

Question

BJ,

I don't know how to say this but a couple months ago I started dating this guy. He was sweet to me and everything seemed perfect. We talked about sex a lot, but nothing ever happened. He had a temper where he would yell at me sometimes over stupid stuff but then say I'm sorry and be sweet to me again. We ended up going to prom together and had a wonderful time. My friends loved him and it was amazing.

Well the next week he ended up dumping me. We got into a little argument over his habit of looking at porn. I asked him, "If I asked you to stop looking at porn would you?" Well, he freaked out and started yelling about how he's not gonna change so I can like him better and he wasn't gonna play the guilt game with me. I had told him that it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him and it makes me feel like I don't satisfy him. But he didn't understand and ended up dumping me over it. He picked porn over me. He picked a computer over a living breathing human.

How can someone pick a picture over the real thing? I don't understand how and why he would do that. I'm constantly asking myself what is so wrong with me that he chose the porn over me? I told my teacher about it in an essay and she talked to me about it a little because her husband did the same thing to her along with other stuff. It made me feel a little better but it still hurts.

Needless to say it's been a rough month. He made me feel like I'm worth nothing. He made me feel like the porn and the computer are better than me. I feel worthless, and stupid, and dirty, and ugly, and I hate it. I don't know what to do. I can't get it out of my mind. I'm constantly thinking about it. It's been really hard to have my first boyfriend dump me for porn. It's hard and it hurts.

Thank You for listening. It makes me feel better to get it off my chest. I'm kinda one of those people who bottle stuff up inside so this really helps! Again, Thank You!

S.

Answer

S.,

It is great to hear from you. I appreciate you sharing with me what is going on in your life. I know that it was difficult to open up with your emotions. While I am sorry to hear of the emotional pain you had to go through with your previous boyfriend, I truly believe that you will look back and see God working in the midst of this situation.

First, I commend you for not getting involved with him sexually. I know the temptation is great, but NO ONE is worth losing your virginity over, except your husband. If a guy truly loves you, then he will honor your choice to wait until marriage.

Second, be thankful God exposed his addiction to pornography. You could not imagine how many marriages and families have been destroyed through pornography. In fact, pornography is usually a stepping stone to other sexually immoral behaviors. I am not sure if you have ever read my dad's book Overcoming Sexual Immorality. If not, send me your address and I will mail you a copy. You will not only find this book helpful in your walk to remain pure, but it also discusses the negative effects of pornography and how easy it is to get entangled. If this behavior in his life was not revealed so early, you would have endured much more emotional pain.

Finally, never forget the value that you have as a person who is created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26). Your value and worth does not rest in something outside of you (approval of others, what clothes you wear, who your friends are), but in the fact that God has created you for a purpose. Remember the words of David in Psalm 8:4-5, "What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor." Anytime you feel that you are worthless, dirty, or ugly, REMEMBER how much God loves you. In fact, He loved you so much that He died on the cross for you... and what greater example of love than to give up your life for someone else (John 15:13).

In this life, you will face hard times, and you will face rejection, but God is always there with you. I know you understand what I am saying... and the reality is that the biggest problem teenagers face today is they have no HOPE. But when you put your faith in Jesus, you find HOPE even in the most difficult situations.

My prayer for you is that you will gain strength and hope in knowing how much God loves you, and that He has created you for a purpose. I also pray God will use this situation in your life to use you to help others who are going through similar challenges, just as the teacher you talked to was able to help you. God wants to use you to help others who lack the HOPE that you have from your relationship with Jesus Christ.

I know the journey in this life is not an easy one, but one day when you stand in God's presence you will realize that living for Him was worth it all!

As always, I am here if you need anything. Have you been able to find a godly female whom you can go to and talk with? If not let me know, as I have a female coach on staff, and I know she would love to be a support in your life.

I pray our paths cross again. Until they do, know that I am keeping you in my prayers.

BJ